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A Misunderstanding
by Henry Malbus
The Officer: So this is how my life has turned out. The fancy-pants undercover cop. How thrilling. Does the force send me to break up a drug-smuggling ring at the docks? Tangle with corrupt diplomats? Noooo. I get to sit in an airport toilet all day. Well, that's office politics for you. And good lord, does it stink. It's as if I left a slab of cheese to rot inside my running shoes, then lent them to a homeless man.
The Senator: Boy, was that a rotten flight. They've got to do something about this ban on liquids -- can't believe I had to throw out my yogurt. I should make a note of this. Maybe get a law passed saying that United States Senators are exempt from this kind of stuff? That stewardess sure was a dish, though. And I should know: I'm not a homosexual. Never have been. Never will be.
The Officer: You know the best part about this? The instruction to "look hot." Here's a thought, Captain Know-It-All: Why don't you hang out in a men's room for eight hours and look cute. It really burns me -- whoa. Is that guy...oh, no. Just the janitor. My "colleague." If you're going to clean in here, can't you use a little air freshener? This guy is the absolute worst. Now there's a sting operation -- lazy, incompetent airport cleaning guys who don't deserve the paper their paycheck is printed on. I should go undercover as a custodian. At least that way I could keep things fresh around here. Though I guess "janitor" isn't as fetching as "guy sitting on toilet." Go figure.
The Senator: Note to self: Probably not the best idea to eat a breakfast burrito while en route. Good thing I have time to hit the John. I must say, it's pretty clean in here -- smells better than Brownback's office, that's for sure. Now what the hey? Is that good-lookin' fella admiring my buttocks through the crack of his toilet stall? It can't just be supposition. I mean, I'm not a homosexual. Never have been! Well, to each his own. Got business to attend to here.
The Officer: You know who I'd like to arrest? The idiot on the right who just urinated all over the floor. Or the angel who decided he didn't have time to flush. Really, how hard is it? You can use your shoe, for chrissake. And if you don't flush, nobody's entering that stall, and it's just gonna to sit there all day, and...is that old dude looking at me funny? Better keep an eye on this guy.
The Senator: I can't believe I forgot to bring a newspaper in here. Bo-ring! Wonder what the gentleman next door is up to -- didn't look like he had anything to read, either. Maybe he's up for some ro-sham-bo. Or maybe an old-fashioned game of footsie. That would be killer. Hello? You in there. Yo!
The Officer: Oh, it is go time! I am so out of here. Swarm! Swarm!
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