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Humorist Edmund Morrissey and the
Quote That Nearly Sank His Ship
by Mando Schwartz
"A boat sank off the coast of Maine late yesterday evening. All of the ship's 57 passengers are presumed dead, including a six-year-old girl fresh from a successful liver transplant operation and three survivors of Nazi concentration camps."
--The New York Times, August 3
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--The computer screen of humorist Edmund Morrissey, later that day
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"....maybe something about the boat's captain being drunk? letters exchanged between him and first mate? perhaps tied to views on new fatherhood (diaper changing story) and how it changes a man's outlook? or what about Holocaust slant???"
--The notebook of humorist Edmund Morrissey, August 4
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"Diary of Abe Kushnik, one of three Holocaust survivors aboard sunken Maine boat:
Monday: The borscht here is delish. Only wish they had better coffee.
Tuesday: Gosh, I sure do like the way that Chico Marx lad plays a piano. Shooting keys! What ever will they think of next?
Wednesday: Oy gevalt! I'm drowning! Mother!!!"
--The wastepaper basket of humorist Edmund Morrissey, August 5
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"Humorist Unable To Mock New York Times Quote
Prolific humor writer Edmund Morrissey has run smack into a creative wall regarding a quote from last week's newspaper. The quote at hand, culled from a news article about the drowned SS Annabel, just may prove too elusive a target for Mr. Morrissey's pointed wit.
'It's tough,' the writer acknowledged. 'At first I thought I could work it from an ethnic angle, but there doesn't seem to be too much there. I truly don't know what I'm going to do with this quote.'"
--The New York Times, August 9
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"Annabel Survivor Found Off Canada Coast
In a miraculous story flush with intrepidity and good fortune, a sole survivor of SS Annabel was discovered this morning just off the coast of Nova Scotia. The unidentified man was admitted to a nearby hospital, where he remains in critical condition. ... Apparently, the man clung to life by stealing breaths of air through a Gortex sock while he paddled to land."
--The New York Times, August 12
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"Edmund Morrissey Back on Story
Sock Seen as Boon for Humorist
When the unidentified survivor of SS Annabel removed a Gortex sock from his left foot and used it as a makeshift snorkel in his now famous swim to Nova Scotia, he saved more than his own neck: his act of bravery also rescued humorist Edmund Morrissey from a severe case of writer's block. 'Let me make it clear to my readers that I'm back on the job,' Mr. Morrissey declared yesterday. 'I'm going to see this quote through.'
Reached by phone at the Intensive Care Unit of Nova Scotia's St. Francis Hospital, the heroic, sock-wielding survivor had no comment."
--The New York Times, August 14
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"Sock Shopping with Mr. and Mrs. Unidentified Survivor
by Edmund Morrissey
Man: Honey, I need a new pair of socks for next week's boat ride.
Woman: Well, Zabar's is the best place. As long as we're here now, we might as well look around.
Man: Hey, these ones seem okay. And look -- they're only four dollars.
Woman: Don't be stingy. You're going to need warmer ones. What about this Gortex pair?
Man: Ah, what do you know about boats? The closest your feet have gotten to the water is when we visited your Aunt Doris in Salt Lake City!
Woman: I'm just saying that it's going to get chilly on that ship. I don't want you catching a fever. Buy the Gortex socks. For me.
Man: Why this is absurd!
Woman: Need I remind you that Gortex isn't the only word that ends in 'ex'? Now if you want any of that other 'ex,' you better wear these socks.
Man: Oh, fine. But you must promise to make Tex-Mex tonight!"
--The New Yorker, September 4
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"Nobel Prizes Announced
Pope, Queen, and Dramatist Edmund Morrissey Among Recipients
OSLO, NORWEGIA -- The Nobel Committee announced its winners today. ... The literature award was given to humor writer Edmund Morrissey, namely for his widely acclaimed one-act play, 'Sock Shopping with Mr. and Mrs. Unidentified Survivor,' which was based on a series of quotes from this newspaper.
'I am shocked and relieved that the Committee recognized my efforts,' said Mr. Morrissey, who was pouring skim milk onto bran cereal, listening to oldies radio, and thinking about the superiority of manila envelopes when he got the call. 'Now I've got my eye on that Peace Prize. Watch your back, Queenie!'"
--The New York Times, December 11
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