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MacArthur's Regrets
by Eddy Blank
Every year, the MacArthur Foundation famously presents its "genius grants," in which artists, scientists and other smarty-pants are given a bunch of money without even having to fill out a convoluted application. In recent years, MacArthur Fellowships have been bestowed upon the composer Osvaldo Golijov, the novelist Jonathan Lethem and Terry Belanger, a rare books preservationist. These are the people the foundation still likes; there are other fellows that it regrets handing out.
Dr. Hugo H.L. Cloud, Physicist
Upon receiving "the call," immediately informed the organization's representative that "it's about f------ time." Dr. Cloud went on to demand that his award be distributed in three cash installments, before slamming his telephone on its receiver with a curt "smell you later."
Michael Jameson, Philanthropist
Used his $500,000 reward money to establish the McArthur Genius Awards, a rival charity that briefly competed with the MacArthurs in the late '80s. It folded in scandal after Jameson was discovered to be sleeping with all of its grant recipients.
Tom Cruise, Actor
Received the award for his charity organization, Tom's Trust, which sought to "rid the world of the plague that for years has wrecked havoc on our community." The MacArthur Foundation was mortified to learn that he meant the paparazzi.
Enrico Jurado, Chef
A maverick Barcelona restaurateur celebrated by foodies for creating "challenging" desserts from atypical ingredients -- unripe tomatoes, pickled pig's feet, boots discarded by the homeless -- Jurado disgraced the foundation when it discovered that his food was disgusting. The chef used the bulk of his $500,000 to open a Manhattan bar staffed by a fleet of St. Bernard dogs who served beer to customers from their patented neck barrels; it closed after three months, when the dogs unionized.
David Garté, Film Critic
"An improbably trite experience," was how the venerable critic described his brush with the "cliché-riddled" foundation. "This publicity-hungry trust seeks the simple answers, sniffing out the alleged 'genius' among us and showering them with princely offerings," Garté wrote. "Can such brilliance really be so easily tied up in a bow like some Christmas present from anonymous, God-like parents? I think not -- thumbs down!"
O.J. Simpson, Sleuth
A year after a jury found him innocent of murder, a MacArthur grant was presented to the Juice for his dogged pursuit of Nicole Brown Simpson's true killer. He used the entire purse to "go under cover" by joining several exclusive golf clubs, claiming he had a lead that the assassin was out on the green, especially on balmy days.
Donna Molina, Chiropractor
Worked on the problematic back of Mrs. Nettie MacArthur, who declared the chiropractor "an absolute genius." Two weeks after the grant was issued, Mrs. MacArthur's back pain returned, worse than ever.
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