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Marshall Mathers Vows
by Sara Avett Cohen
"Five years after their ugly divorce, Eminem, whose real name is Marshall Mathers III, remarried Kimberly Mathers in a small, tightly guarded ceremony on Saturday at Meadow Brook Hall, Reuters reported."
--The New York Times, January 2006
"Don't you get it bitch, no one can hear you?
Now shut the [expletive] up and get what's comin' to you
You were supposed to love me!
[Sound of Kim choking]
Now bleed bitch, bleed!"
--Lyrics from Eminem's "Kim," May 2000
I, Marshall Mathers, take you Kimberly Mathers to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. And if this death befalls Kim as she is caught in the arms of another, may her death be quick and painless, free of the excess bloodshed that has splattered across nightmare and dream alike. If Kim's death comes prematurely -- say right now, as she bats her eyelashes with such failed discretion at the honorable Reverend McDonald -- may our unconditional love live on and inspire the everlasting love and devotion of generations to come. And if Kim is to awaken one evening to find herself locked in the trunk of a rented Chevrolet, gasping for air as she sinks to the sea, never again to wrongly refer to her lawfully wedded husband as a homosexual, may she remember the bliss that is felt on this joyous day.
In the presence of God, our friends and family, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in good times and bad. Except for the days when I am hassled via phone, fax or lawsuit by my mother, that filthy harlot, whose eventual death will taste so sweet coupled with the knowledge that she lived apart from Hailie Jade, her beautiful granddaughter. And may Hailie, who joins us today, know that her mother, Kim, stood here once before and promised to love me unconditionally, only to find warmth in the embrace of another man. And let it be said that I fantasized of placing my hand inside of this man's chest and tearing his heart out while it still beat for Kim, at which point it was my intent to place the dark heart in a Cuisinart blender, add a modest amount of rat poison, and feed the fatal concoction to my beloved wife in the form of a fruity cocktail.
Kim, as we join together in holy matrimony, I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before, when darkness and rage threatened to divide our union, in all likelihood with a chainsaw. On this day, may you know that this anger came never in hate but only in love -- a severe and somewhat trashy love that expresses itself best through tattoos and jail graffiti, true, but love nonetheless. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.
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