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I'm From Connecticut
by Daniel Crawford James
Hi, my name's Dan, and I'm from Connecticut. Now, I know it's probably strange for you to look at me and think, 'This guy is so much richer than I will ever be, we just can't possibly have anything in common.' But please bear with me. We're all people here, okay? We're all human beings, living on the same earth. My Daddy just happens to own a very large piece of it.
Now, I realize that this is a place a lot of people come to be funny, but if there's one thing I'm not going to 'clown around' about, it's Daddy's bank account. I also realize that many of you may not believe me about being from Connecticut and all, but let me ask you this: If I wasn't rich, why would I wear my sweater tied around my neck? Do you people even know how much it costs to tie a sweater in a knot like this one? Over a million dollars Ñ- and that's in Connecticut currency. The money looks similar to U.S. dollars, but bills star various members of the Bush family. For example, our current president is on our one dollar bill, because he is a salty man of the people. And I've had sex with his mother; the old goat.
Anyhow, I'm from Bel Air, Connecticut, and it's certainly odd to be away from Daddy's estate. What cow town am I in right now, anyway? Alabama? Europe? Oh, Boston, Massachusetts. I think Daddy used to own a senator in Massachusetts. I know the turf. What do you have going in these parts? Exeter and Choate are around here, schools for the needy. Harvard's here, for all those students too poor and dumb to get into the Sorbonne. And my childhood cello tutor, Yo Yo Ma lives here. Daddy always says: You haven't heard Yo Yo play until he serenades you while you're sitting on the crapper.
But enough about you. I'm sure you want to know about me. Childhood was difficult. In his effort to bequeath presents upon me, Daddy celebrated my birthday every fortnight, making me the only 85-year-old in the 2nd grade. I had both a pet llama and a bathrobe made of llama skin. It was very confusing, because Daddy's so eager to please. Every Christmas he had to outdo all the other Daddys, and in Connecticut, that takes a lot of doing. One December, he actually hired Santa to be my personal man servant. You probably remember that winter as 'The Year Christmas Got Cancelled.' Well, that's Daddy for you.
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