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The Mayoral Race
by Jay Ruttenberg
In another blow to the Ferrer camp, Mayor Bloomberg picked up an official
endorsement today from Family Members and Drinking Buddies of Ferrer for
Bloomberg. The endorsement was expected. Ed Slarsky, a self-described
liberal Democrat whose life was once saved by Ferrer, said he decided to
cross party lines after the mayor hypnotized him with a large wad of money,
and because of Bloomberg's commitment to education.
Appearing at a rally for Fernando Ferrer, Senator Clinton endorsed the
candidate, then burst into a fit of giggles. The senator later delivered a
"wedgie" to Ferrer, whose underpants' strap, embarrassingly, revealed an
endorsement for Mayor Bloomberg. In more grim news for the Democratic
hopeful, Ferrer's bid to have the ballot changed from "Bloomberg the
Inevitable Conqueror" to "Bloomberg the Probable Victor" was rejected by the mayor -- who has graciously saved the city money by purchasing new voting machines with his vast personal fortune, the mere thought of which has been known to make grown men weep.
New York City has a new holiday! At a ribbon cutting ceremony for his newly
remodeled living room, Mayor Bloomberg officially pronounced today "Ferrer
Never Will Be Mayor Day." Meanwhile, at a debate in Harlem which Bloomberg
could not attend because of a dentist appointment he scheduled ages ago,
Ferrer debated himself and lost.
At a campaign stop in Westchester -- a county which does not vote in New York City elections but in which Ferrer has found a number of welcoming banquet halls -- the Democratic mayoral candidate beseeched members of the paparazzi to start following him and invading his privacy. Just as the candidate began speaking, however, a fistfight broke out across the street between Jessica Alba and a pit-bull terrier, leaving the ballroom empty but for Mayor Bloomberg, who sat in the back of the room sporting what he called a "dumb Freddy moustache" and shouting profanities at the speaker.
The large leather gloves worn by Mayor Bloomberg were reported stolen today
after the mayor briefly removed them from his wealthy, manicured hands to
give the finger to Fernando Ferrer during a parade from Ferrer's house to
his neighborhood drug store. Whether the mayor can appeal to voters without
the gloves remains to be tested. But Bloomberg is taking no chances, using
his billions of dollars to clone himself so that he can personally visit every New Yorker and cook them a macaroni and cheese supper come November 7.
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