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Start the Campaign
by T. W. Greene
My fellow Americans -- I proudly stand before you today to announce my candidacy for president in the 2006 election. Thank you. Enough! Thank you! Last year, both George Bush and Michael Moore ran reputable campaigns, and I offer my sincere congratulations to the President for winning both the election and his war with Iraq. But America: We can do better! Allow me to outline my positions on the campaign themes of our day:
Activist judges
Have you ever found yourself driving to church or your local Wal-Mart pharmacy when traffic is stalled by a gang of black-robed hooligans, banging on drums with wooden mallets and chanting "This is what Democracy sounds like!" and other catchy slogans? If you're like me, you probably think to yourself, "Is this what we're paying these aspiring Judge Judys taxes to do?" When I'm president, these activist bums will be spending less time chaining themselves to trees, and more time presiding over their courtrooms!
That woman with the feeding tube
When I was a little boy growing up between Washington D.C., Groton Prep School, and my humble hometown of Alabama, my grandpappy would put me on his knee and tell me how lucky we were to be living in this great country, where we feed and clothe our sick, unlike other godforsaken places like Africa or Greece. But in recent weeks, I've been turning on the television and seeing nothing but images of an ill woman being fed through a tube, while senators and other religious leaders debate about how smart she is. This is an outrage! When I'm president, this poor woman won't be dining out of a tube -- she'll have the best hospital food her health insurance plan can provide, or at least some kind of porridge or gruel. America -- remove that tube!
Gay marriage
The words alone seem barbaric. In this age of The L Word and Puff Daddy, who are we to force the gays into marital relations with members of the opposite sex? Have we not learned our lesson from that movie starring Randy or Dennis Quaid and his unhappy '50s housewife? In my America, gays and lesbians will be free to stick together, unmarried and as free as their happy-go-lucky minds desire.
Lawyers
Read my lips, America. Lawyers: I don't like 'em.
Social Security for the old
Let me tell you about a young lady I met in Gainesville, Florida. A brave 13-year-old named Katie Pederson. When Katie was in the seventh grade, she was a member of her school's cheerleading squad, rooting on the Washington Tigers basketball team. She was popular -- sleepover parties, school dances, a cluster of friends. Then this year, Katie didn't make the cut for cheerleading. And guess what happened? She lost many of her old friends from the squad. I'm happy to report that Katie rebounded and found a new group of pals -- but can you imagine the loneliness that would have stricken Katie if this had happened to her not when she was 13, but when she was 73, or 83? In my America, the elderly will feel secure in their social clique. In my America, Grandma and Grandpa won't worry about getting stabbed in the back by nursing home social climbers and Mahjong cheats!
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