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From the Desk of Neil A. Scruggs
Kwik Kat Shoes International
by Matthew Kurland
Dear Brian,
You may not remember me, but I am the father of one of your classmates, Daniel Scruggs. A couple months ago, I drove you and some of the guys home from the Deerfield Junior High Spring Dance. ("Buckle up or eat the seat cushion" ... ring a bell? I was most likely introduced to you as "Mr. S.") I am writing now in regard to a potential business opportunity.
As Danny may or may not have told you, I work as a Senior Vice President in the marketing division of Kwik Kat Shoes. Among my duties here, I help oversee our regional and national marketing campaigns. You are surely familiar with some of our television advertisements: Our most popular commercial was an award winning-spot featuring NBA star Scottie Pippin losing a slam dunk competition to his Kwik Kat-wearing Grandmother, Pearl. More recently, Kwik Kat ads have tilted the spotlight on Pearl Pippin, as she goes head to head with a series of college athletes.
I'm not sure whether or not you read Adweek. If so, you've probably heard about "Grandma" Pearl's defection to a rival sporting goods company. You may also be aware of the overall slump the industry is currently buried in: with belts tight and consumers weary, we're being forced to search outside conventional means of advertisement to promote our products. This is where you come in.
It is no secret that you are among the most popular students in the 7th grade. Danny and the guys admire you to no end, as do (I'm told) a number of female classmates. The night of the Spring Dance, three of the four students in my car were wearing suspenders dangling limply at their wastes, a style, Daniel informs me, that you spearheaded at school months ago. You may have also noticed that, aside from my son, all the kids in the car were wearing Nikes similar to the ones you have been wearing at least since I saw you at the Science Fair last fall.
It is our goal to persuade you to switch to wearing Kwik Kats. You would be a guinea pig of sorts in our new advertising strategy, in which we will sponsor popular students at schools across the country. While it is most prudent to save financial details for further contractual discussions, I would like to briefly outline the basics of our proposal.
* As a regional student mouthpiece for the corporation, Kwik Kat's popularity endorser will wear Kwik Kat sneakers to all engagements in which sneakers are traditionally worn. This includes all classes and appropriate activities inside the student's junior high school as well as sports events (taking place at school, the recreation center and the drive-way), summer camp, and any activity which occurs at or near the mall.
* When a Kwik Kat endorser begins dating a female classmate, he will announce his infatuation by writing of his new love (or like) interest on his Kwik Kat sneakers. This graffiti will neither interfere with the Kwik Kat logo nor suggest that the endorser's love for his girlfriend exceeds his fondness for Kwik Kat shoes.
* The Kwik Kat popularity endorser will speak highly of Kwik Kat sneakers and other apparel at lunch time, recess, and in the locker room. When appropriate, he will repeat Kwik Kat's slogan: "No cat outruns a Kwik Kat. Kwikety split!"
* If for any reason the Kwik Kat popularity endorser would suddenly fall from social grace, Kwik Kat retains the right to renegotiate contract.
We know what you must be thinking: When all is said and done, Jimmy Johnson is the most popular Deerfield 7th grader, particularly since he began going out with Carrie Larkins. In the spirit of disclosure, I should confess that we approached your classmate last month, and he graciously declined our offer. However, I should add that many in the company -- myself included -- have long felt that your charisma surpasses Johnson's. What's more, your style will have a smoother transition to Deerfield High School -- a considerably larger demographic with more disposable income and fast growing feet.
So think about the offer. Mull it over with your parents and financial advisors. Next time you have plans with my son -- he has soccer every Tuesday and Thursday, but I'm sure Danny would be open to hanging out otherwise -- let's talk business.
Sincerely,
Neil A. Scruggs
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