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More Comings and Goings
by Rita Jalopy
Monday...
Beginning what looks like another week of comings-and-goings in the White House, Bush twins Jenna and Barbara abruptly resigned from the administration today. The move ended weeks of speculation about the twins' role in their father's second term. Assuming the post held by "rowdy" daughter Jenna will be buxom actress Lindsay Lohan who, at a morning press conference, promised to "whoop it up" in the ensuing four years. She then took a swig from a small metal canister and flew to Las Vegas, where she promptly wed an unidentified backup dancer. Reflecting Vice President Cheney's increased influence on the administration, it was announced that Barbara Bush will be replaced by burly comedian Rosie O'Donnell.
Tuesday...
In a move cited by many in the Capitol as all but inevitable, First Lady Laura Bush handed in her letter of resignation to the White House. It has been said that the president, who frequently joked on the campaign trail about his wife's habit of disagreeing with him on key issues such as reading, is looking for a First Lady more loyal to the administration and in step with its policies. A replacement has yet to be named at this time, but administration insiders say that the leading candidates include a medium-size slab of dry wood and the president's steely mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush.
Thursday...
Continuing President Bush's purge, the White House revealed that it will be switching long distance providers from MCI to Sprint. The change comes as no surprise to those inside the Beltway, who note that Sprint had aggressively courted the president throughout his first term, calling his residence virtually every weekend morning with enticing promises and slogans. The company also gave $596,458,982,221 in soft money donations to the Republican National Committee, allowing the GOP to purchase the tacky hats and streamers necessary for January's inaugural party, and has offered the White House special discount rates on panicky late-night calls to Iran.
Friday...
At a White House press conference, it was announced today that Jesus Christ has tendered his resignation from the Bush administration. Citing his well-known concerns over the president's handling of the war in Iraq and the American economy, Mr. Christ read from a prepared statement but, in keeping with President Bush's preference for confidentiality, declined to take questions from reporters. "It has been my proud honor and satisfying privilege to proudly serve this administration," Mr. Christ said in his statement, from which he deviated only to joke that he was "especially looking forward [to] sleeping late" -- an apparent reference to the president's predilection for early-morning meetings. Mr. Christ will be retiring to private life, though Democrats are said to be aggressively courting him to cross party lines for a possible Barack Obama ticket in '08. His replacement has yet to be named, though candidates are said to include the more assertive Greek God Zeus and current White House Director of Political Affairs Karl Rove.
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