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An Opening Plea
We hereby call for an immediate BOYCOTT of any product associated with all major American and non-American corporations, who cavalierly wield their assorted media outlets to oppress the will of the people and the spirit of popular art.
Namely, we rebuke these companies for their actions in 1995, when all published damning reviews of the film Billy Madison. With clunky pens clutched by fat corrupt thumbs, America's criticizers of cinema drooled:
"If you've seen the trailer, you're one up on those of us who have endured the entire film." -- Washington Post
"Behind the bland, seemingly innocent title of Billy Madison lurks one of the most outrageously bad movies in recent memory, a misfire so ridiculously and consistently off-target from anything remotely resembling a good film that it doesn't seem at all like a vehicle designed to transform its rising young star (Adam Sandler of SNL fame) into the next Jim Carrey -- but, rather, a solid, concentrated effort to destroy his career in the movies." -- Austin Chronicle
"Billy Madison is a vulgar, idiotic mess of a movie, brandishing Sandler's brand of low-brow dementia as if it were clever, which it never ever is."
-- Toronto Star
"As a comic actor, Sandler has a bad habit of thinking he's funnier than we do -- although he's not aiming very high here. He's trying to be the King of the Peepee and Doodoo jokes. Worse, he isn't." -- Los Angeles Times
"Those unfamiliar with Sandler's antics may also begin to find him annoying sometime between the appearance of the Universal logo and the end of the opening credits." -- Daily Variety
And perhaps most vile of all...
"We're raising an entire generation of audience that doesn't know what good is." -- San Francisco Examiner
Oddly enough, at The Lowbrow Reader we do have a solid definition for the word "good." Our style guide reads:
good adj 1 : the quality or state of being good 2 : goodness
3 : anything done at or near the level of the 1995 Adam Sandler motion picture, Billy Madison, which turned all formulas on their heads while never breaking the rules; which brought viewers of all ages together to laugh as if they were one.
How dare such critics -- who fail as we turn to them for guidance -- call anything rote or formulaic!
How dare they dump praise on middlebrow filth -- on American Beauty or Shakespeare in Love, on Erin Brockovich or The English Patient -- while mindlessly dismissing a movie that sings, however coarsely!
How dare they expect the people -- who revere Sandler like they do warm chocolate cookies and cold milk -- to forget about their critical blunders! Did they not expect a BOYCOTT to be called in protest of their snobbish cowardliness?
All we ask is for THEIR HEADS TO FALL ON PLATTERS AND THEIR PENS INTO BONFIRES!
All we ask is for these misguided critics to be PUBLICLY STRIPPED OF THEIR PANTS AS THEIR PARENTS AND CHILDREN WATCH IN SHAME AND HORROR!
All we ask is for A VOICE WILLING TO LAUGH WITH ITS MOUTH AND NOSE BEFORE ITS MENDACIOUS, BLOATED BRAIN INTERFERES!
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