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What To Do With Our CEOs?
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JUSTIN BOND
Performer and "Flaming Creature," Kiki and Herb
Since most of them are old, white, fat and suffering from compromised colons
-- cancer, diverticulitis -- it wouldn't be very practical to give them anything to do that would be too rigorous. They would probably be most useful either on their hands and knees or bent over something. I'm thinking that so many people have been running around catering to their unreasonable demands and expectations for so long that a lot of us have sore and calloused feet. The best thing we could do, then, is to put them to work in nail salons across the country. I think it would probably take two CEOs per person -- one for each foot. Every exploited worker should get fifteen minutes on a massage chair with each foot up the ass of a "retired" CEO. That should be just enough time to exfoliate and soften even the most over-exploited worker's tired and careworn feet. Maybe it would even ease the dreaded "Restless Legs Syndrome."
Illustration by Mike Reddy
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