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What To Do With Our CEOs?
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PATTON OSWALT
Comedian
The answer is simple. We need to triple, quadruple, sextuple their salaries. At their current pay level, the most we can hope for from CEOs is slightly profane behavior and garish houses.
But imagine railroad baron-level fortunes, Caligula-strength immunity from any behavior consequences. The only way to destroy this tumor is to feed it until it explodes.
I don't want a CEO who can get away with having a mistress and a private jet. I want them hollowing out private islands and creating subterranean combat cultures, full of trained hoboes and Russian mail-order brides, breeding battalions of sunlight-deprived berserkers to get back at the swim-team captain from high school who swirlied them at summer camp. I want them burning their names, continent-sized, on the surface of Mars.
Plus, the rebound guilt will go towards creating bizarre philanthropies -- literacy courses for reptiles, cupcake walls between Israel and Palestine, and community hooker banks. I'm past worrying about the world being shitty -- I just don't want it to be boring.
Illustration by Mike Reddy
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